Students struggle with divorce
When parents divorce while their kids are in college, hard times exist for everyone
By: Taylor Flores
Issue date: 11/7/07 Section: Features
Twice as many birthday presents, Thanksgiving dinners and vacations can be a fairytale-turned-nightmare for some college students when their parents divorce.
Divorce affects college-aged students in several ways, including altered mood patterns, an increase or lack of connection with friends and a change in attitude about traditional family roles, said Jane Rysberg, a psychology professor.
When children are older, they have the skills and ability to assess and evaluate the situation surrounding their parents' divorce, Rysberg said.
"Their safety net is fragmented and, being away at school, they're not there to see the suitcases packed," she said.
Parents are more likely to turn to their older children as emotional confidants, which creates a tug-of-war situation with different sides and stories, Rysberg said.
With a closer relationship to her mom, senior Kate Larkin has an ongoing battle dealing with her parents' divorce and balancing life between two households, she said.
Though Larkin's parents divorced four years ago, they were separated during her transition from high school to college, she said. Larkin's mom was the only one there to help when Larkin moved into her first apartment.
"When you're going away to school it's a big step, and there are a lot of important things going on," she said. "It's sad not having both your parents there to see it."
The divorce battle continues after four years, and with the holidays approaching, Larkin gets tossed into the line of fire, she said.
"The holidays suck," Larkin said. "After all this time you still never manage to make everyone happy enough."
Trying to balance two Thanksgivings on the same day or celebrating one a day late, Larkin's family has yet to find a system that works, she said. When most students look forward to going home, those with divorced parents can dread it.
Larkin turned to her aunt on her mom's side and a counselor to help her with the added stress of college, she said.
"I felt like I was alone, and it helped to talk through it," she said. "I understood everything but still felt like I was put in the middle to an extent."
The guilt process was another factor Larkin learned to cope with and overcome, she said.
"I can look back and realize it wasn't me, but my parents were just doomed from the beginning," Larkin said.
With her parents' hostile relationship, special occasions bring more anxiety than excitement, she said. Graduating in May has created more stress than happiness.
"You worry if they can be in the same room, what might get said and if they are going to pull each other's hair out," she said.
Feeling like she was forced to grow up faster than others, Larkin realizes marriage isn't always fun, she said.
"I still want that fairytale ending and believe in happily ever after, but I now know it's not always guaranteed to work out," Larkin said.
Larkin has a close relationship with her mom, and there were times when the distance between them made her feel bad for not being around, she said.
"Divorce is a rough time, and there are pros and cons to being around or separating yourself from it, if that's what you decide," she said.
Being away at college helped senior Eryn Matson deal with her parents' divorce at first, she said.
"It was nice because I didn't have to see it, but now I try to go home as much as possible," she said. "It's a hard time for everyone, and I feel I need to be there for my family."
When Matson's dad moved out last December, she made the drive home to see the suitcases packed, she said.
"I wanted to be there so it wouldn't hit me harder later on and be this crazy thing," she said. "It sealed the deal and was proof things were changing."
Though a year has passed since the divorce, the family dynamic is still in the experimental phase, Matson said. This will be the first year holidays are celebrated separately and traditions divvied up.
"We're still trying to get all the logistics sorted out and how things are going to work," Matson said.
Seeing old family portraits and pictures from vacations without the other parent always hits Matson. With her parents separated, Matson made a bigger effort to form a bond with her dad, which was lacking before, she said.
"My parents have done their part to make this whole thing as easy as possible for us, and I know how important it is to keep them both in my life," she said.
With the divorce still new, Matson doesn't see the whole effect, but prepares herself for what the future might bring, she said.
Having a cell phone entry under "home," which calls her mom, and a separate number under "Dad" are some of the little reminders of the change, Matson said.
Turning to friends and her boyfriend for support, Matson has found ways to cope with the changes, she said.
"I still want to get married and have that future, but it definitely made me more hesitant to marry young," Matson said.
Taylor Flores can be reached at tflores@theorion.com
Divorce affects college-aged students in several ways, including altered mood patterns, an increase or lack of connection with friends and a change in attitude about traditional family roles, said Jane Rysberg, a psychology professor.
When children are older, they have the skills and ability to assess and evaluate the situation surrounding their parents' divorce, Rysberg said.
"Their safety net is fragmented and, being away at school, they're not there to see the suitcases packed," she said.
Parents are more likely to turn to their older children as emotional confidants, which creates a tug-of-war situation with different sides and stories, Rysberg said.
With a closer relationship to her mom, senior Kate Larkin has an ongoing battle dealing with her parents' divorce and balancing life between two households, she said.
Though Larkin's parents divorced four years ago, they were separated during her transition from high school to college, she said. Larkin's mom was the only one there to help when Larkin moved into her first apartment.
"When you're going away to school it's a big step, and there are a lot of important things going on," she said. "It's sad not having both your parents there to see it."
The divorce battle continues after four years, and with the holidays approaching, Larkin gets tossed into the line of fire, she said.
"The holidays suck," Larkin said. "After all this time you still never manage to make everyone happy enough."
Trying to balance two Thanksgivings on the same day or celebrating one a day late, Larkin's family has yet to find a system that works, she said. When most students look forward to going home, those with divorced parents can dread it.
Larkin turned to her aunt on her mom's side and a counselor to help her with the added stress of college, she said.
"I felt like I was alone, and it helped to talk through it," she said. "I understood everything but still felt like I was put in the middle to an extent."
The guilt process was another factor Larkin learned to cope with and overcome, she said.
"I can look back and realize it wasn't me, but my parents were just doomed from the beginning," Larkin said.
With her parents' hostile relationship, special occasions bring more anxiety than excitement, she said. Graduating in May has created more stress than happiness.
"You worry if they can be in the same room, what might get said and if they are going to pull each other's hair out," she said.
Feeling like she was forced to grow up faster than others, Larkin realizes marriage isn't always fun, she said.
"I still want that fairytale ending and believe in happily ever after, but I now know it's not always guaranteed to work out," Larkin said.
Larkin has a close relationship with her mom, and there were times when the distance between them made her feel bad for not being around, she said.
"Divorce is a rough time, and there are pros and cons to being around or separating yourself from it, if that's what you decide," she said.
Being away at college helped senior Eryn Matson deal with her parents' divorce at first, she said.
"It was nice because I didn't have to see it, but now I try to go home as much as possible," she said. "It's a hard time for everyone, and I feel I need to be there for my family."
When Matson's dad moved out last December, she made the drive home to see the suitcases packed, she said.
"I wanted to be there so it wouldn't hit me harder later on and be this crazy thing," she said. "It sealed the deal and was proof things were changing."
Though a year has passed since the divorce, the family dynamic is still in the experimental phase, Matson said. This will be the first year holidays are celebrated separately and traditions divvied up.
"We're still trying to get all the logistics sorted out and how things are going to work," Matson said.
Seeing old family portraits and pictures from vacations without the other parent always hits Matson. With her parents separated, Matson made a bigger effort to form a bond with her dad, which was lacking before, she said.
"My parents have done their part to make this whole thing as easy as possible for us, and I know how important it is to keep them both in my life," she said.
With the divorce still new, Matson doesn't see the whole effect, but prepares herself for what the future might bring, she said.
Having a cell phone entry under "home," which calls her mom, and a separate number under "Dad" are some of the little reminders of the change, Matson said.
Turning to friends and her boyfriend for support, Matson has found ways to cope with the changes, she said.
"I still want to get married and have that future, but it definitely made me more hesitant to marry young," Matson said.
Taylor Flores can be reached at tflores@theorion.com
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